Theology of Thongs

(Note to reader: This is pre- a Kalon. She was just learning and being sculpted. Only later is she manipulating and perfecting. The following are of her "becoming". So DO NOT take notes. Actually take notes, of what NOT to do, that'd be good.)

RRRRRIP! "You've GOT to be F****** kidding me..." I can remember saying a tad too loud for my pews comfort.

A- Kalon shouldn't swear during sermons. Godly people don't really appreciate it.

Hey! I dont think the Goldly people's boytoy was trying to butter them up during prayer either. I was so desperately trying to keep The Lesson OUT of my pants, I SWEAR!

There she goes again.

I remember it almost like it was a week ago. I had a nice little innocent g-string on my behind right up my ass crack. I'd worn it to avoid hideous panty lines that The Lesson was trying to get his grubby little paws on. I had been preaching, "NO" more than the Preacher was talking about God and Jesus. Finally he hooked a claw around my thin little string and the ridiculous happened. As if God were punishing ME... an innocent girl... ME!?!?!?! Why not The Lesson? Make that ass crack seam bust when he sits down. Hell trip him! He WAS the one fishing for my undies all morning! Being quite persistent might I add.

All you Kalon's in training dont let a guy be a pest. Grab that fly swatter and smash that bug sweetie. We promise, there are more. MANY more, a lot less of a pain in the ass. Some could argue it was the LACK of maturity others, he was flirting, some would tell you he WAS indeed being an ass. Don't be a dumb bitch. He was out of line.
1. His hand was in your pants
2. He would NOT take 'no' for an answer
3. He didn't stop until they broke
4. CHURCH!

The Lesson was out of line MOST of our relationship but like I said previously he "created" me whether it be testing my temper or pushing my flowering limits. Church was not the only time he broke my underwear.

In our school the band hall had couches. I was an early bird, always solidifying my spot on the couch which indirectly benefited my, not so early bird, boytoy. For the sake this story could go on and on the bastard broke my damn undies… AGAIN! Now, atleast at church I went home immediately after. This was first period people!!! And this was no tiny dainty g-string, this was a regular! Oh, I was furious!

Kick that bastard to the curb already. No man in this entire world should be so aggressive he’s breaking your underwear in a public place, much less at all, after you are enforcing a ‘NO’. A no so strong underwear are RIPPING! This is NOT hot, sexy, and adorable. This is rough, man handling, and flat out disrespectful! Bastard be gone.

Ditching: For The Single

Yes, this is something men and women are equally guilty of however, I'm not when I'm flowering over a guy. The Lesson was King of all Ditchers (not always this way mind you) but quite frequently I was becoming less and less of a priority.

Now, A Kalon doesn't ask to be THE priority just simply some place BEFORE youre smoking habits, playing poker, video games, you get the idea here. She understands "the guys" should be important but DO NOT tell her you will come over then call her before she's expecting to hear you knocking on the door and tell her you just got an invitation on five dollar buy ins. You should be kicked in the nuts for this.

-Thanks

Bout Time

So its been brought to my attention that MAYBE, quite possibly, the wrong idea could be drawn from this blog if you don't KNOW KNOW me. Most of you know I'm full of myself; I like to laugh and have fun, but there are times for seriousness too (but not on here!). So I must take the time to clarify my blog.

THIS IS FOR FUN! this is not serious by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just writing about my dumbass mistakes and the male bodies (some female) that were involved in my decision making process. If you've ever read the Sweet Potato Queen books or even The Rules you would understand. Its ridiculous when someone feels the need to ask if I can block certain people from reading my blog because they are jumping the gun. (I was equally astonished!) in case you haven't gotten the idea... THIS IS FOR FUN!

I've been putting this off for weeks. Now, quit being a moron.

Thanks!
A Kalon

Bert the Beta

DO NOT ever tell a Kalon that she cannot have something! (Without substantial reasoning.) If it is something that's just a phase chances are she KNOWS she's not getting it. She's intelligent enough to figure it out herself. She doesn't need a man's two cents. If a boytoy has the balls to tell a Kalon, "no" then he can expect her to come home with whatever she was forbidden to get.

I went through pet phases. I wanted a Chihuahua, Boxer, then Shepherd. In the current situation I had a governor (my parents) who didn't allow these types of pets in their home. So I then decided I wanted a Beta. You know, the pretty little fishies that come in a cup. Yea, that's them. The Lesson had told me, "No. I didn't need it." That very next weekend I made a special trip to the nearest Wal-Mart where I came home with Bert and all the fixin's. Sadly Bert didn't live three months before the bastard croaked when I cleaned his bowl. He'd been swimming in damn algae for two months and an inch of water.

Just like a damn man.

The Lesson was right. (That didn't happen often.)

The Lesson

I was a hopeless romantic believing in crap like "Worth the Wait" and things like so in grade school. Boys have a tendency to NOT believe in that crap. Now don't get me wrong I was just as weak as every boy in my grade, I want to Skittle too. It was no surprise when The Lesson came along, I was swept off my feet.

Now is when I'd like to stop and let all of you know: The Lesson made me a Kalon. He taught me life lessons about men and how I WILL be treated according to MY law. Some of you men are confused, treating your girlfriend like YOU feel. A Kalon doesn't stand for this kind of crap so if you don't like it. Pack your things and get out because chances are we were already making judgements about your wonderful self.

How I met The Lesson should have been my first clue not to mention there were MANY other clues to my stupidity throughout the years. He was trying to date my best friend. This is how he and I became friends. I knew he had incredibly amazingly hot hot hot friends i was more than willing to date.

Why not do this genuine favor for him?

Well my bestie started dating his bestie and it all went to hell and a hand basket. The Lesson and a Kalon were dating, not Skittling, but dating.

Not like other girls

I've been told by every serious boytoy that, "You're just not like other girls." The first time I had a boytoy tell me this my first thought was, "Aw, that's sweet. Now kiss me." I started hearing this much more after highschool. I had a high school sweetheart that created me in a sense. I've been a Kalon ever since then. From driving a truck, having German Shepherds and Rottweilers to shooting my 9mm on a regular basis. A boytoy is no necessity but once I fall in love you better tie your ass in because its going to be one hell of a ride. I'm too busy to chase you so don't expect it.

Wait a minuet, if a Kalon is having to do the chasing she doesn't stay around long enough for you to even begin to experience her full throttle. She will leave you rubbing your ass wondering where and the hell she's gone. She'll live by "love 'em and leave 'em". Com'on, nobody said this would be easy!

You'll hear crude and possibly vulgar posts and not so crude posts. But this is the many stories about dating a Kalon. Good, bad, and ugly she's a hell of a ride. So tie your ass in and hold on for the ride because she's going full throttle!